Feeling and Responsibility

I've never talk about any of my feelings in me to anyone but then one of a persistant friend asked so many questions about feeling, happiness and other things related. For no reason at all, I don't know how to explain about feelings, not even to myself.

Lot of story of a non fiction happenned in my life. Happy, sad, dumb and even non sense one. But in those stories, mistake is one of the color of each paragraphs. Those mistakes were not planned, because I was and still am aware that it won't make me proud to myself.

I know that I could never escape from those mistakes and the people whom I made mistake of. Those mistakes and those faces are the pictures in my brain, circulating and rotates like a running text display at the groceries store or mobile phone store. I don't have a nerve to get at their door step and knock on the door for apologize.

But when that persistant friend asked those questions, it just like a truck full of coal, black and dirty, those shadows of mistakes hit me, again and again. And then I was like imagining, what is it like to have a capability of forgetting the pass including those mistakes and faces. Its not possible, its like a scratch, no blood, with leave scars. I think that is the same thing happen to those people that I made those mistakes to, or even worse.

I begin to think to knock those doors, but then how? Do I have a right to do that? Do they will open the door? And what sort of obligation for them to listen to me? It was all by me, the man with bunch of sins and darkness all of those mistakes, hurt and bad dreams being created.

I don't know if it was appropriate to leave a message of one word "SORRY", with all means of regrets for what I did in the past. No body is going to live forever, and even if there was one, I don't think its an option to be immortal with all mistakes as a burden.

"Sorry" is not just a simple word to say just in order to ease my life. Its not fair, not at all, but I need to do this, saying this word over and over to all of you.

I'm not trying to justify for all that I've done in the past since now I'm living my responsibility instead of the feelings in me.

A Child Next Door

Child that I'd never have

I wont dance

To all of you who loves to dance....

through the air

there was a friend, a nice and decent person. this person talked alot about life, journey, works, and even love. it was one time when my friend talked about how someone broke the heart and created a disappointment.

that was strange, when i was in my flight to Borneo, i remembered this story how this friend was crying on a flight back from Borneo.

It was long time ago but feels like just yesterday my friend told me about this experience.

what a strange, what a life, what a mess.......

Sleep over Feet

It's becoming a habit, every time i had a trip, not my eyes could even closed to sleep.

I've been leaving this town for such long time, all I remember is that that was the last time i met you mate.

But anyway, as i said earlier, you deserve that happy life, won't disturb nor interupt.

Live that Happy Life, You Deserve it Mate......

Accidentally that name appears, the internet i didn't know how but it just showed up, that name which i didn't expect it will appear. But the information that i got, a bit supprised, this fellow of mine, move and change the activity from what i knew before. Somehow this new activity, which forgive me mate i was a bit reading that info, that new activity is proper to what you have, as the language also spoken by you mate.

I didn't tail my mate, it just coincidence, i suppose.

So, the life has change, why not, its life afterall, everyone needs to change, and sometimes the time changes you. Getting better is great, well as matter a fact you, mate are better than me.

If that chance on the table, the chance just to say "i'm sorry mate, i let you down", it will be great, at least i got a chance to say it before i die. Hahahahaha, ridiculous, as if i knew that time is coming to me soon enough. But seriously mate, i really wish i can say that.

I was a fool, and always be i guess, careless, sloppy-ass... just not getting better, i'm sure, and we both know mate that everything was my fault.

And so, it is a good to know that you're in new place and i hope you found what you need for that happy life, and one more time, i am happy for you mate, Live that Happy Life, you deserve it, dear Mate.....

ISLA

So, it was a fantastic night, 6 cars, 8 people, muddy road in the dark... it was a great moment.Forget about the time, because I was pretty sure that no one looked at their watch, just step on the gas and hit the bloody rough road in the middle of no where (Still in Pekanbaru yooo).

If I had a chance, I would love to share my experience, take you guys to those places that I've never been there before. Joint with these bunch of people who knows a lot things about off road, big wheels, 4 wheel drive and of course about machine.

Should I make a wish just to share this experience? I don't know how, but sounds like a good idea. And island, feel like want to create one, just for me, Isla, and Island.

So....

 My new rides, a CJ7 jeep Laredo '81 of US and Suzuki Jimny '83 by Japan factory. Everybody said these cars are old, almost the same age as me. But what can i say, perhaps that old things would work on my way of life.

These two cars has draw almost all my attention and energy, of course after the work part (Prioritizing is important).

The jeep is always with me especially during the rainy, this muscle has big feet, 32 inches of tires and big power with 4.200 CC. And the Japan one? this big white dude is with me on the muddy road. I'm having my new hobby, OFF ROAD.

I have almost use all my day time with lots and lots of activities, works, dogs, cars and coffee break with some friends (this session is needed to keep me sane).

During the dark, still with some works, tv or search for any information about cars, big wheel drive or off road cars, anything that makes me on going, digging this new hobby, learning by stories from people that i've never met or even heard their name just because they told story about wild experience, incredible and unforgetable moment in driving 4 wheel drive.

 The excitement replaced from one form to another. Meet new bunch of people, older people, different character and background with the same hobby, step on the gas on the muddy road. But for some reason, that face slapping moment at a mall during lunch still remain on the corner of the deepest mind, a strange situation when it supposed to be one of the flash that has to be disappeared. That shaking hand, and confuse of a reflect did, it was the moment of truth, this hobby could not bring it down to most lower level of what supposed to be an instant memory.

 Mortal with immortality desire but never survive to the age that most people expected. Or even no age is good for any man.

This white Jimny was standing in front of somebody's house for 3 years without using its wheels to run, just standing like waiting for someone.

The night when I took this whitey, this car was like smiling, for almost 3 years no body ever tried to drive it. Cost me like a lot to make this whitey to run again, but it smile at me. Took me like heart drumbling eveytime i start the engine with thoughts "is this car still has it?"

Perhaps it sounds like diversion, probably right, i don't know. There are lot things happen after that day, and these days i've been live my life like running from one point to another.

Too much givin up....

I saw the road, never as the same as the previous 10.000 kilo meters.

So I slowly built this whitey dude, slowly because its defenitely need lots of money and that money is coming much slower than I expected.

Made lot and lots of promises, never had a chance to fulfill them.

And one day I shall ask for everybody's forgiveness, and I will, oh yes I will. 

well, not noticed, today is my day..... what will be the celebration then?

Thank you God, Thank you.............

Rider

As I always believe that I can get or own almost everything that I want, but still, would it complete the life? One shadow that haunt every step I took, like the Sun, shining  above my head, creating another me on the ground. One face, one smile and million of words. A chance, the most valuable treasure, a chance. And for me...? its done.

And I keep myself busy, doing things, can't even describe it, bought an old car, almost the same age as me, hear stupid ideas, laughing with people that I know just less than an hour. Just keeping me busy.

That million words are faded, that face are faded, and that smile almost dissappear.

Diego, new shade in the HOBBY....

Please welcome.......... Diego

Came from a friend, trusted to be one of my friend here, at the Forested Desert.

This young English Bulldog is a nice, funny, active and spoiled companion. Bring another laugh and smile around the house, neighborhood and among the dog hobbyist.

So, what you guys are waiting for, get your dog and join us, the dog hobbyist, people who loves dog and loved by our dogs....

I have almost everything.... what do i need now? a missing peace, that thing with no explaination, have no form and even an exact words to describe it. A moment without a record, not even a note nor even a faded picture that probably left behind.

A missing peace....

strange word, ILY....

I'm trying to remember this word, what's this stand for...


I hope it stand for a good phrase....