Feeling and Responsibility

I've never talk about any of my feelings in me to anyone but then one of a persistant friend asked so many questions about feeling, happiness and other things related. For no reason at all, I don't know how to explain about feelings, not even to myself.

Lot of story of a non fiction happenned in my life. Happy, sad, dumb and even non sense one. But in those stories, mistake is one of the color of each paragraphs. Those mistakes were not planned, because I was and still am aware that it won't make me proud to myself.

I know that I could never escape from those mistakes and the people whom I made mistake of. Those mistakes and those faces are the pictures in my brain, circulating and rotates like a running text display at the groceries store or mobile phone store. I don't have a nerve to get at their door step and knock on the door for apologize.

But when that persistant friend asked those questions, it just like a truck full of coal, black and dirty, those shadows of mistakes hit me, again and again. And then I was like imagining, what is it like to have a capability of forgetting the pass including those mistakes and faces. Its not possible, its like a scratch, no blood, with leave scars. I think that is the same thing happen to those people that I made those mistakes to, or even worse.

I begin to think to knock those doors, but then how? Do I have a right to do that? Do they will open the door? And what sort of obligation for them to listen to me? It was all by me, the man with bunch of sins and darkness all of those mistakes, hurt and bad dreams being created.

I don't know if it was appropriate to leave a message of one word "SORRY", with all means of regrets for what I did in the past. No body is going to live forever, and even if there was one, I don't think its an option to be immortal with all mistakes as a burden.

"Sorry" is not just a simple word to say just in order to ease my life. Its not fair, not at all, but I need to do this, saying this word over and over to all of you.

I'm not trying to justify for all that I've done in the past since now I'm living my responsibility instead of the feelings in me.

A Child Next Door

Child that I'd never have

I wont dance

To all of you who loves to dance....

through the air

there was a friend, a nice and decent person. this person talked alot about life, journey, works, and even love. it was one time when my friend talked about how someone broke the heart and created a disappointment.

that was strange, when i was in my flight to Borneo, i remembered this story how this friend was crying on a flight back from Borneo.

It was long time ago but feels like just yesterday my friend told me about this experience.

what a strange, what a life, what a mess.......

Sleep over Feet

It's becoming a habit, every time i had a trip, not my eyes could even closed to sleep.

I've been leaving this town for such long time, all I remember is that that was the last time i met you mate.

But anyway, as i said earlier, you deserve that happy life, won't disturb nor interupt.